Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian you should have remained a virgin...’

-   Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since

been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement...

- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to

have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you' II become happy; if you get a bad one,

you' II become a philosopher.

- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield


Money can’t buy you happiness.... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it...

- W. C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out,

or spread out …

- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.